When a Strength Starts Working Against You
I’ve been on a Positive Intelligence course over the last few weeks, learning how to measure my mental fitness through research and practice. And I’ve found it really confronting because it has shown me how quickly I can slip into judgement. Judgement of myself, judgement of others and judgement of situations.
As is quite often the case, my first instinct (or rather, the sneaky part of my mind trying to protect a story I’ve held for years) was to say the teachings didn’t apply to me, and that resistance was the clue. Discomfort, 9/10, tells me I’m brushing up against a truth.
For a long time I’ve taken pride in the top strength on my strengths profile… Unconditionality. The ability to accept and respect people for who they are, and to meet people without judgement.
So when the course asked me to explore the ways that I judge, my instinctive response was… this can’t be right. I’m unconditional, right?
Then I remembered something I often say to clients, which my own mind had quietly ignored.
An overused strength becomes a shield.
So in my case, unconditionality creates connection, trust and psychological safety. It’s a beautiful strength. But when I overuse it, I move so far towards acceptance that I ignore what I genuinely feel. I hold back from naming my own needs, and I keep giving people the benefit of the doubt long after I need to be clearer. The shadow side is that I minimise the small signs that something isn’t quite working.
This isn’t unique to unconditionality. Every strength has a tipping point.
• Empathy becomes self-neglect when you stop considering your own needs.
• Persistence becomes exhaustion when you don’t know when to pause.
• Optimism becomes avoidance when you overlook important information.
• Compassion becomes over-responsibility when you start carrying what isn’t yours.
• Structure becomes control when things only feel acceptable one way.
These strengths don’t disappear. They just stretch too far… and when they do, they start shaping our behaviour in ways we don’t always notice.
Why focusing on strengths works
One of the reasons coaching is so effective when it focuses on strengths rather than weaknesses is because strengths are often the most reliable anchors we have. When we understand them, we can use them intentionally instead of letting them run on autopilot, without noticing them.
Often when I work with clients, I help them look for evidence of where they have handled challenge before. There is always evidence and proof that they have all they need inside of them to move forward. People sometimes forget how resourceful they’ve been, and they forget the moments when they:
• made a difficult decision
• held a boundary
• had an honest conversation
• led with clarity
• recovered after a setback
• navigated something they thought they couldn’t
Those memories matter. They remind us that capability isn’t something we manufacture… it’s something we can reconnect to.
Strengths help us return to ourselves when we feel stretched. A strength in balance supports good judgement, clearer communication, healthier boundaries and more grounded leadership.
Understanding our strengths allows us to notice when they’re serving us and when they’re being asked to do too much. That awareness alone is often enough to shift behaviour.
If you’d like a free tool to help you identify your strengths, send me a message and I’ll share it with you.
A simple place to start
What helps me most is noticing the small moments when I show up as the version of myself I want to be. They’re easy to miss, but they’re there every day. A clear thought. A kind decision. A boundary I hold. A moment of honesty with myself.
When you notice those, even once a day, you start to see the strength you already have.
You don’t need a new skill. You need a clearer view of who you already are.
The moment you notice that, everything softens.
