The Drama Triangle, and Why We Sometimes Stay in the Heat Too Long

Have you noticed how easy it is to slip into drama? Not just at work, or in relationships, but sometimes in the quiet corners of your own mind?

Maybe it’s the email you sent that went unanswered. Maybe it’s the school mum who you hear is being disingenuous - true story! Maybe it’s that little voice inside whispering, Why me?

It happens to all of us. Our ego wants safety, and it LOVES control. When life feels off, it reacts - and sometimes subtly, and sometimes like a storm. That’s drama. Your ancient survival brain doing what it knows how to do.

And drama itself isn’t the enemy. It’s staying there, letting it simmer and stew.

Psychologist Stephen Karpman gave us a map for this very common dance: the Drama Triangle - and when you’re caught in it, you might recognise yourself in one of three roles:

The Victim: “This is happening to me.” Perhaps you feel powerless when a colleague interrupts you, or your partner doesn’t do what you ask. Frustration rises, your chest tightens, and you stew in Why me?

The Persecutor: “You’re the problem.” Someone else is the problem. Maybe you snap at someone over a small mistake, or criticise a friend who didn’t live up to your expectations. You’re not cruel - it’s your ego’s way of trying to feel safe.

The Rescuer: “Let me fix this.” Perhaps you take on extra work to save the project, or step into someone elses problem because leaving it alone feels unbearable. Often, it’s less about helping and more about avoiding discomfort yourself.

And the tricky part is that you can move between these roles in seconds. I know, right? Yesterday, the Victim. Today, the Rescuer. Tomorrow… who knows? No one really wins. The triangle keeps moving.

I like to think of it like touching a hot stove. Pain is a messenger. Your hand recoils quickly, and the pain is a signal: Move. Protect yourself. Pay attention.

Now imagine leaving your hand there on the hot stove. Feeling the pain, noticing it, and… doing nothing. That’s what it’s like to linger in drama. The frustration, the blame, the rescuing…….they’re all your body’s way of waving a red flag: Something’s off. Step back. Choose differently.

But too often, we don’t. Instead, we replay the story. Justify. Defend. Fix. Retreat. And the triangle keeps moving.

The good news is that drama is optional.

One of the simplest ways to step out of it is the STOP technique. It’s a tiny, powerful tool you can use the moment you notice yourself reacting.

• S = Stop - literally pause. Don’t react yet.

• T = Take a breath - slow it down, feel your body, ground yourself.

• O = Observe - notice what’s happening inside. Frustration? Blame? Fear?

• P = Proceed - choose your next action consciously, rather than reacting automatically.

It’s like lifting your hand off the stove before it burns. Maybe you’ll say nothing instead of snapping at a co-worker. Maybe you’ll ask a friend, “What do you really need from me?” instead of jumping in and taking over. Maybe you’ll notice your own frustration and shift your focus to what you can influence.

When we do this, energy flows back in. Creativity blooms, and connection returns - and we don’t feel so bloody awful afterwards. We feel powerful, and proud that we stopped a cycle in it’s tracks.

We all fall into the drama triangle The goal is to notice, to pause, to step out before the burn.

So, maybe this week, ask yourself:
Where is your hand still pressing against the heat?
And… what might it feel like, just for a moment, to finally let it go?