The 11+ Process: Two Schools, One Poor First Impression
This year is our first time stepping into the world of the 11+. I expected form filling, logistics, and the usual parental juggling act. What I didn’t expect was to learn such an important lesson in human behaviour and the power of first impressions.
Two schools preparing our children for the same test, and somehow the journeys didn’t resemble each other at all.
One school approached everything with a real calm clarity. Their emails arrived in good time, they explained what would happen and what the children needed to bring, and they did it in a way that made me feel considered rather than managed. We felt organised, and could prepare our twins, and that alone felt like a win.
And then came the other school.
Their communication consistently arrived at the last possible moment. Each interaction felt like stepping into someone else’s stress, particularly the admissions manager who told me in a tight, high-pitched tone that raised my heart rate - that I was the only parent whose online admissions portal wasn’t working. Apparently the issue was “at my end”. There was no curiosity, no pause to understand, just a sense that I was one task too many. And when they checked, the issue was not at our end……
To be fair, she sounded like someone holding far too much. Systems clearly weren’t helping her. But it still landed as judgement, and my nervous system reacted instantly.
The day before the test, the instructions on what our children should bring with them finally arrived. Just enough time to read them, not enough time to think. And on the day itself, when I enquired about what time I should pick our children up, they whispered, “Come back at 11.30 to pick up your son because he has 25% extra time.”
Whispered. As though his dyslexia support was something to keep quiet, or something to be ashamed of.
And, in that moment, I knew everything I needed to know.
I spend a lot of my time helping leaders understand the impact of their behaviour, especially the small signals they don’t always notice. Tone, timing, eye contact, openness. These tiny cues shape trust long before results or promises ever do.
And this is exactly what happened here. My brain pieced it all together in seconds because humans do that. Researchers call it thin-slicing - forming an accurate impression from a handful of small behaviours. A tense tone. A rushed email. A whisper that shouldn’t be a whisper!
And psychological safety plays its part too. A whisper about something that should be straightforward creates discomfort. If the first interaction feels uneasy about a learning need, what does that say about how support is handled day to day at school.
All of that landed before a single test paper had been opened.
Choosing a school is about handing our children over to a community that feels aligned with what I believe in -fairness, kindness, clarity, and the ability to communicate without making people feel small. It’s also about the message I’m modelling for them: that environments matter, and so does how you’re treated.
So yes, I’ve already decided where my children won’t be going. And I have everything crossed for the school we would love our children to go to.
Because these first impressions are information, and when a school makes you feel either held or dismissed before you’ve even started, your instincts are giving you guidance. The 11+ process is intense enough - for children and for parents (!) - and the least it can offer is an environment that treats families with care from the first interaction.
That’s where trust begins. And that’s what I want my children to step into every morning for the next seven years.
