Why We Go Tongue-Tied Around Certain People
Have you ever noticed how you can feel confident, articulate, even funny with most people, and then with one person, you stumble, lose your words, or feel like you’ve shrunk two sizes smaller?
You tell yourself: “It’s only with them” and it’s frustrating because you know you’re capable of more.
But there’s a reason it happens, and understanding it can be surprisingly freeing.
Our bodies notice first
We often think we’re in control of how we behave. But our bodies are far quicker at reading the room than our minds. Micro-expressions, tone, energy, even body language - our nervous system picks up on all of it, often before we consciously realise.
When someone makes us feel judged, evaluated, or uncertain - and especially if they hold authority, or their opinion matters - we can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode without meaning to. Suddenly our words scatter, our hands fidget, and our usual confidence feels miles away.
It’s not that you’re “less” with them. It’s that your body is trying to protect you.
It’s rarely about them
Sometimes it’s not even about the person in front of you. They may unconsciously remind you of someone from your past: a critical teacher, a boss who once undermined you, a parent you could never quite please. Your brain stores those experiences, and when it senses something similar, even subtly, it reacts as though history is repeating itself.
So that “only with them” feeling? Often, it’s your nervous system echoing old patterns, not a reflection of who you really are in that moment.
Why we tell ourselves stories
Us humans are storytellers by nature. And the story we tell ourselves about someone can amplify the effect. Maybe we think: “They’re smarter than me,” or “They’ll notice every little mistake.” These narratives heighten tension and narrow our focus, making it harder to be present and authentic. And ironically, the more we try to perform or prove ourselves, the tighter our body feels, and the less natural we become.
What can help
The first step is noticing. When you hear yourself say, “It’s only with them,” pause and ask:
What’s being triggered in me here?
What story am I telling myself about this person?
What would help me feel steadier and more grounded?
Sometimes, just naming it- “I feel nervous because their opinion matters to me” - takes the edge off. Other times, it’s about preparation, small grounding practices, or reframing the encounter in a way that feels manageable.
A gentler perspective
You’re not two different people. You’re the same person, navigating different contexts, with different histories and nervous system responses at play. The goal isn’t to act exactly the same everywhere. It’s to understand what’s happening, so you can bring more of yourself, more often, to the moments that matter.
And the more we notice and reflect, the more choice we get. Choice in how we show up. Choice in how we respond. And choice in how we live with integrity, even when our bodies want to play it safe.
It’s messy. It’s human. And that’s okay.
