Stuck in your own head?
You know the feeling. A conversation happened - or didn't happen, or went sideways - and you've been carrying it ever since. You've replayed it on the commute, in the shower, at 2am when you ought to be asleep. You've had the conversation a hundred times in your head, and somehow it still hasn't resolved.
That's a loop.
Sometimes it's a relationship with a line manager that feels stuck no matter what you try. Sometimes it's a conversation that happened months ago that you still haven't quite let go of. Sometimes it's a member of the team who keeps missing the mark culturally and you’re butting heads.
What makes loops so draining is that we're seeing it from inside it. From our own position, with our own feelings, our own needs, our own interpretation of what happened and why. And when that's the only view available, the loop just keeps going.
The thing that breaks a loop, in my experience both as a coach and as a human who has been very much inside a few of my own (!), is perspective. Not advice. Not a plan. Just the ability to see the same situation from somewhere you haven't stood before.
This tool, drawn from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), does exactly that. I've used it with clients in coaching sessions and suggested it to others to try alone. Both work, and you'll need a piece of paper and about fifteen minutes to give it a try solo.
The three positions: A tool for when you can't let something go
When a situation with someone keeps playing on your mind, this exercise helps you see it from angles you can't access when you're stuck inside it.
Get a piece of paper, draw three circles, and label them. Work through each position one at a time.
Position 1 - Their perspective. Speak as them.
Step into their shoes completely. Speak in the first person as if you are them. What do they feel? What do they need? What are they trying to say?
"In this situation, I feel..."
"What I need is..."
"What I'm trying to say is..."
Position 2 - Your perspective. Speak as yourself.
Come back to yourself. What is your honest experience? What are you feeling, and what do you need from this situation?
"In this situation, I feel..."
"What I need is..."
"What I'm trying to say is..."
Position 3 - The helicopter view. Speak as the observer.
Float above the situation. There's no agenda here, no side to take. You can see both people clearly. What is actually happening between them?
"What I can see happening here is..."
"Both of them seem to need..."
"What might help is..."
How to use it
Name your three circles - you, the other person, and the observer. Move between them one at a time, speaking out loud or writing it down. Stay in each position fully before moving to the next. Notice what shifts.
What tends to happen……
The loop usually breaks somewhere in position three because something loosens when you're finally seeing both people clearly rather than just seeing from inside yourself.
What the tool does, beyond giving you a structure, is create a bit of space between you and your own thoughts. When you're in a loop, your version of events feels like the version - the facts, the truth, the only reasonable reading of what happened. Stepping deliberately into someone else's position, really speaking as them rather than just imagining what they might say, does something that's hard to replicate. It gives perspective.
And alongside that, something else tends to happen. A bit of compassion. For the other person, when you realise what they might have been feeling or needing that you hadn't considered. And for yourself too, because the observer position often reveals that you were doing your best with what you had, even if it didn't land the way you intended.
There's something worth naming here that isn't strictly part of the NLP model but that I've observed consistently in using this tool. There is your truth, and there is their truth, and somewhere between them is something closer to the truth - what actually happened.
This exercise isn't about finding out who was right. It gives you access to a version of events that includes both people rather than just one of them.
I'm Sarah Clark, an executive and leadership coach for hospitality and retail leaders. If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. Book a free consultation at nineyardscoaching.co.uk
